Nothing There

Nobody wants to die...and neither do I.
But what would it be like if we were to crave death?
Must I be sad and lonely and feel life is bad
To crave and yearn for the last breath.

So many things that hurt me I cannot understand...I cry...why must I be put through the joy and pain...over and over again. To lift me up and then shut me down...the thought of knowing it goes down is really much worse than the joy of knowing things will get better. But unlike the latter, I can always feel that its going to be sad.

Maybe I'm scared but it is who I am...how do I be strong and avoid this...I don't know. It's like you always wonder how you'll feel at your last moment...the inevitable...u distract yourself and say hey its a long time more...but it's coming...surely and you will go through it.

Make the best of life is what people say, so when it comes you'll feel worse that you lost it all. Is there a consolation? Is there a heaven? Even if I take the route of sadness I lose...so is life just a losing game?

Is there nothing there that makes this worth it?

Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree

- William Blake

Just sharing one of my favourite poems :)

Cool Stuff

Got this off an email (thanks LG):

CUP & COOKIES

Smart cup in which you can put 2-3 of your favourite cookies. You don't
need extra plates. It's made for right handed and left handed.



LOCK-CUP

Lock Cup - Anti-Theft Coffee Cup. Are you tired of others stealing your
coffee cup? Well now there's a solution. The Lock - Cup has a hole which
prevents most people from using it. Only the owner of the cup can use
his/hers shaped key to close the hole.



BUTTER CUTTER

One Click Butter Cutter controls your portion as an important part of
staying healthy. This ingenious butter cutter delivers one standard pat
with each click of the handle.



DAYCLOCK

What day is today? You don't know? Then you need a DayClock. It's uniquely
designed to keep track of weekly events like your golf day, card night,
movie night, and so much more. It's ideal for vacations and cruises when
it's easy to lose track of the day.



LASER SCISSORS

Laser ScissorsCutting a straight line has never been easier. Just aim the
pin-point laser and follow the line. The scissor blades are stainless
steel and cut very clean with a micro serrated edge.



TRAVELER'S PHRASE BOOK T-SHIRT

If you are traveling a lot and don't always know the language of the
country you are visiting, then this T-shirt is for you. It has a phrase
book printed on it so just point a finger at the pictogram you need and
then point it twice at the question mark, which means, "Where is it?" and
in no time you have found what you were looking for... or not.



MODERN LADDER

Realy cool modern ladder.



LATEST DESIGN WAITER/WAITRESS TRAYS

Anatomic tray, for waiters. No more dropping trays. We just don't know is
it comfortable.

Happy 30th Bday to Me

Just wanted to share the biggest lesson I have learnt perhaps in all 30 years of my life. It is also the latest lesson.

Do not be afraid of change...I have always been a sentimental person...i love to horde stuff, old wrappers, cards, boxes etc. Its becoz i find it hard to let go of the past...my good memories serve as some sort of benchmark in my life...i have always believed that the best time of my life has already passed...my youth was sheltered, carefree, fun, no worries etc. Now i worry about everything, there is a lot of stress everywhere, problems...things can be nice too but its just not the same...no more 3 mth holidays with no commitments...sigh.

I keep thinking that the best days are all gone...

but ive learnt to look to create new memories in the future...better ones...things will never be the same...people will never always be there...but new people will come, new experiences and new meaning..yes the old was good...but its time for it to go...nothing lasts forever...in trying desperately to cling on, we not only inevitably lose it...but also we fail to bring in any new good things.

i will learn to make my future good..i will stop saying i was etc etc when i was young and instead, make it happen now. i will create more memories to cherish...better ones or at least just as good. i will still cherish the old things, but i will not clog my heart with futile hopes.

30 is the beginning of a new chapter, its time to close the old one. im not quite feeling it now...its still very very hard to accept, but i really hope i can do it.

My iPhone

If you read the previous post, i spent the entire weekend at home...i found out in a forum that they had finally cracked the new firmware for the iPhone..excited, i started research....to cut a LONG story short..i solved it after 6 hours. YES my iPhone is perfectly working now :D The only problem remains, which phone do i use? my trusty super functional Dopod 838pro or my pretty awesome to use, though less functional iPhone.



Must admit, at first i tot the iPhone was just a showy toy that was quite useless...it was not until i really played around with it that i realized that Apple had really come up with seriously innovative stuff! Even the SMS-ing function is different where SMSes will be sorted via person like a conversation...instead of viewing SMSes by date/time, u see them by person first then date/time..simple? yes...and highly effective.



Also another cool thing is Navicon...this online service that integrates seamlessly with the iPhone and google maps to use wifi stations with GPS and TRIANGULATE your position anywhere in the world! They were like...'click here to find your location' and i was like..YA RIGHT...but when i did...i found myself staring at my home area...i was seriously stunned...



And of course the iPhone has all the usual WOW things like awesome graphics, the acceleratron (u move it and shake it and it responds - screen flips etc.), the multi-touch LCD, its incredibly small form factor...its seriously beautiful. But it cant do things like 3G, MMS or even video...but windows with all its functionality just somehow doesn't FEEL so good...so its really a case of an inferior software...although having all the hardware behind.


To sum it up, Apple has finesse and Windows has power (and is cheaper and more widely used). Somehow this draws me to Apple..hai~



For now i've decided to use BOTH phones until i can sort this out.

It is my first 30th bday present...yes thats how old i am..hai~ THANK YOU to Abigail and my parents-in-law who bought this fantastic phone for me, i wouldn't have known how good it was otherwise.

Sinusitis

This was a terrible long weekend for me...our office declared Fri off for the holidays and i was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend. This was not to be so...i was already ill (flu) all of the week and was getting better...happily. But little did i know after my 'recovery', i was to be attacked by another illness!

Sinusitis attacks commonly after a cold or flu bout...reason being excess mucous from the infection cannot be drained adequately by the sinuses esp when it is aggravated by stress...i WAS very stress during that week. The slow nagging pain on my upper lip soon developed into a full blown torture...it felt as if your whole head is imploding...

luckily i rushed to the doctor and got some relief...before that i was standing under the shower nearly drowning myself forcing water through my nose just to ease the pain...it is really terrible.

I'm actually out of medicine now...having taken the last dose just 5mins ago. i have an impt meeting later...i hope i can last that long...already preparing some panadols in case.

SUPER good site on it here.

The 3 Needs

Ever since studying HR in NUS about 7 years ago, i have been hooked on a theory (Henry Murray). It actually states that most human motivation can be defined according to 3 main needs. These are namely:

1. The need for Achievement (nAch): the need to accomplish tasks and do things
   
2. The need for Affiliation (nAff): the need to interact and be part of a group
   
3. The need for Power (nPow): the need to influence or impact people and to be in control
   

Together with other traits of introversion and extroversion, these desires would then display themselves in various forms.

In my shortsightedness or desire to simplify things, i failed to realize that there are actually exists much more than just those three. I started to think about it and then coined a new motivation...i'll call it nRlx, or rather, the need to RELAX.

I felt i did not have enough of that so basically i was a stressed up wreck the most of the time. Anyway, afterawhile, i thought that hey, what about the OPPOSITE of each motivation...i mean won't that be something as well? So here come the opposites:

1. Need for Achievement: Need for Relaxation
2. Need for Affiliation: Need for Solitude
3. Need for Power: Need for Letting Go

So basically i thought i had it all and i was brilliant etc. thats when i went to google to research this a bit more and realized...wow, there are actually 27 needs that Henry Murray came up with. Without going into any more detail as i am pondering on it myself, here they are:

Abasement	To surrender and accept punishment
Achievement	To overcome obstacles and succeed
Acquisition	To obtain possessions
Affiliation	To make associations and friendships
Aggression	To injure others
Autonomy	To resist others and stand strong
Blameavoidance	To avoid blame and obey the rules
Construction	To build or create
Contrariance	To be unique
Counteraction	To defend honor
Defendance	To justify actions
Deference	To follow a superior, to serve
Power	To control and lead others
Exhibition	To attract attention
Exposition	To provide information, educate
Harmavoidance	To avoid pain
Infavoidance	To avoid failure, shame, or to conceal a weakness
Nurturance	To protect the helpless
Order	To arrange, organize, and be precise
Play	To relieve tension, have fun, or relax
Recognition	To gain approval and social status
Rejection	To exclude another
Sentience	To enjoy sensuous impressions
Sex	To form and enjoy an erotic relationship
Similance	To empathize
Succorance	To seek protection or sympathy
Understanding	To analyze and experience, to seek knowledge

I can see how my 'opposites' fit into this...will try to dwell on it..more later :)

Some Rant

"In tiredness and weakness we must embrace, the strength and courage to win the race..." - DT

Dreams

Think of this scene:

u are in a pool of shit...there is this cool breeze blowing, u pop ur head up to breathe...the wind blows away the smell...you get a good nice long breath...ahh

then u dream...u dream of getting out...of nicer days....freedom...but in order to do so u'll have to dive into the shit headfirst and pull the plug.

u have to do a lot of running b4 u take off...

One of my favorite quirp ever is, "Why do you strap a jet engine on a motorbike?" the answer? BECAUSE WE CAN! :D

I tink sometimes we all take life too seriously that we don't enjoy it...when was the last time u did something completely random and senseless but had great fun doing it? Comment if u have :)

Kinda reminds be of this weeks hilarious episode of Ask a Ninja...you can watch it here LOL

Speaking of LOL, if you watch CSI Miami and know who Horatio (not the hamlet guy!) then you should check out this youtube vid here! ~ thanks darren! and from there i found this other one, LOL

Since im being so random already, why not check out this book by Richard Branson, 'Screw it let's do it'. Seriously it is a very cool book!!! have a look at it here you can easily find it in singapore ~ thanks eric!

Shattered Angel

cold white pieces on the dark floor
shards of what was once there before
like blissful slumber in the night
her still closed eyes betray no fight

fallen from cruel life's embrace
deeply shattered by love's quick haste
careless hands that promised care
could do naught but cause despair

be more careful with precious things!
only the deserving enjoy what beauty brings...
crimson rain melts tears from her face
the hot blood melds bonds back to grace

spread your white angel wings once more
look to the skies where you shall soar
go forth and take your phoenix flight
get up and get back to the light!

Some Rant

u know the thing abt life is that the most simplest obvious answers are usually the right ones...but 99% of the time we don't take them.

i tink its a fallacy of being human...contrary to wat we think, we are NOT logical beings
we are emotional beings. we invent our own logical matrices with convenient justifications for our ridiculous fancies based on our emotions. Thus some would argue we are still logical. Won't go into the whole idea of rationality as that requires an entire year in sociology :P Hope the point gets across though.

That being said, i don't think its all that bad. coz a purely stoic and logical life really sux :D

First Date with a Girl

Was just giving some advice to some poor guy so i'd thought since i have typed it all out already why not post it here:

There is no need to be special, do wat u feel comfortable with and that u think she will be comfortable with...impt that both parties feel relaxed so tat they can get to know each other better as that is the point rather than place/activity.

with that said, i feel movies are not too good coz interaction/communication is gone UNLESS u plan someting AFT the movie in which case u have a common topic to talk abt. anything else i guess depends on her character so try to find out wat she's like. u can even try bouncing ideas off her and discussing to see wat shes comfortable with. i tink she'll appreciate the concern u have.

some basics are:
- don't bring her to ulu ulu places as she may not er trust u so much yet (ie beaches etc.), save those for later.
- always make sure they have proper toilet facilities as ladies are not like guys and DO need better facilities (whereas for us anywhere can la!).
- make sure stuff like proper transport back (make sure u know wat time she has to be back so u dun go so far). for me, i always make sure they get back safely (walk/bring her home). not only for 1st date but all dates. coz its UR responsibility when u ask her out, so i feel u shld
- make sure she is not hungry etc. sometimes might be too pai seh to tell u
- make sure u know wat time she has to be back if she has a curfew so she wont get into trouble.

Since im on a roll now, more tots:
- if the night is going really well and u want to over extend ur date till very late, DUN. rather send her back wanting more then use the good feelings to arrange a second date. everything done too much at one go loses its impact.
- during the date, DO NOT SELL URSELF! listen to her and really try to find out what she likes, wants etc. recent holidays she go la, wat she likes to eat la (u shld know this one already!)

FINAL:
Be yourself, be honest, if she doesn't like u then its probably better that way anyway

Gr3y

starry sky filled with winter snow
dancing gracefully as winds blow
twin reflections of heavenly fate
silently patiently peacefully wait

blackest night sad shaped moon
shadows hide in the gloom
water drops of pain do fall
silver poison covers it all

freely flowing crimson blood
freezes the tears in the dark
warm love brings strength anew
hearts united forever true

My New Shrimp Tank

Ok so i moved away from big pinchy lobsters and now im keeping shrimps. I think a good thing abt shrimps is that u dun get so emotionally attached to one so if/when they die, you don't feel so bad. Main BAD point about shrimps are that they are so expensive! I'm trying to grow plants/moss inside the tank too coz i heard they love them. Never ever in my life did i see myself growing plants....well just goes to show u never really know...just like how i never saw myself being a businessman.













Setup
- 2 ft x 1ft tank
- Jebo 825 Cannister (1st tray: Ceramic Rings, 2nd tray: Biohome, Jap Mat, 3rd tray: cotton wool)
- Redsun CL200 Chiller (currently set at 24 C)
- CO2 Cannister (currently set at 1 bubble per 4 secs)
- CO2 diffuser
- Normal inert black gravel substrate
- 2ft 36W eBallast PL light (currently on for 12 hours a day)

Life Forms
- 15 Crystal Red Shrimps (C grade and lower)
- Misc Snails
- 1 lone surviving Malayan shrimp
- Frog spawn
- Spikey Moss
- Taiwan Moss

Here are some pics for u to enjoy:

My 1st Crystal Red Shrimp (CRS)












My 1st Cherry Red Shrimp












All the CRS have been successfully transferred over to the tank already. now i just hope everything is ok and they'll live happily :) I even went to buy another 6 cherry reds to add to the collection.

Eve of Dawn

Even when dreams go by
Even when tears run dry

Even if we lose something dear
Or if our world crumbles in fear

No one will shed a tear
No one will call us dear

We go on coz we must we must
step by step and yes we trust...

In our hearts to do wat we can
In our minds to make the final stand

I want to be happy, yes i do
So get away from me if u don't want me to.

Ugly Bride

Can u ever tell a bride shes ugly
Is that something impossible to say
Perhaps said out of jealousy or envy
then is it ok?

Or maybe appearances matter too much
is beauty measured by its weight
Is that what will make a girl happy
or is it just an act of fate

The world spins so strongly
We are powerless to resist
Thus we smile so kindly
and give the ugly bride a kiss

Limits of My Patience

Naruto has finally launched its Shippuuden series after what was about 100 episodes of crap. For the uninitiated, Naruto is actually a anime series which i follow quite closely. Basically it started off well but degraded for the past 100 eps or so. I was just watching it coz it was so good at the start and well maybe i just couldnt let go.

Then after they released the latest series...it was simply fantastic! It was like their true colors once again in all its glory.

This made me wonder how come they din just show the good stuff and kept feeding us crap. Then it dawned on me that they could have been doing it on purpose. I mean, the IDEAL anime from a biz perspective is to earn the most amount of money right? so if they had 100 more crap eps of 'earnings' at the risk of losing their fan base. But if the cards were played well, the release of their latest series would not only revitalize the fan base but also encourage ppl to watch the all 220 of their prev eps.

This kinda links to the Transformer movie...where it completely disappointed fans HOWEVER according to the director, it was intentionally targeted at a different market - the people who have no idea wat transformers is. Basically the fans will watch the show and buy the stuff no matter what...so their demand is inelastic (won't change) so u should just focus on the rest ya?

Its quite sad coz does really everything revolve around money? is everyone selling out? and those who don't...will they ever be rewarded?

Sounds like a good plan ya? I mean those fantastic 1 eps anime (Hoshi No Koe) or brilliant short anime series like Cowboy Bebop, Evangelion and Trigun were at most 24 eps. So they probably din earn too much.

Well im glad i stuck wif them coz aft all the shit the put me through, its like finding a diamond.

Over Hype

Thanks to Amos for showing me the link on overmarketing and overhype. Apparently some guerrilla marketing campaigns are too successful that they cause social panic and generally disorder to the point of criminality.

Which brings me to be a little concerned abt persistent reality games. In the past, we are were so fearful on games like Dungeons and Dragons etc coz we were afraid that people (esp kids) would emulate their behaviour and thus kill their parents etc. This argument has been going on since the invention of TV where violent behaviour has been frowned upon. Now when games cross the borders between reality and game space, what would happen?

Another interesting thought is where is the realm between real and game? it is so clear as online and real life? or is it the spaces they occupy. EG. the GAME TIME i have is when i come home and relax after dinner where my WORK TIME is where im in the office working. A persistent reality game is actually just that...its PERSISTENT. which means that it would INVADE other spaces such as social, work and maybe even religious. Hmm are these games what we really want? thing is, the VALUE of such a game is in its pedagogical aspect, where such behaviour actually teaches people to adopt these attitudes and values and continue to grow and reproduce them.

At one extreme, people would treat life as one big game. Social normative control would breakdown and the rules of social engagement would change. In a sense, life would be more interesting and less mundane. In another sense, we may lose the security and order we all have been accustomed to. The spaces will collide into each other, work will be play, play will be work, there is no social, no formal etc. sounds like anarchy in a sense.

Is this an ultimate expression of the internet and its freedom in real life?

A New Online

I was shocked to find out how disconnect i am from the new generation of gamers. being an avid gamer of my heyday (10yrs ago), i was so confident that i would be able to mix it up with the current generation 'i'. i was very mistaken.

These kids (from 12-18) are one of the hardest markets to hit now. neither listening to radio, watching TV or even reading newspapers. This generation of youth exist almost purely on cyberspace and are THE most internet savvy people now.

In order to plug myself in, i started playing Asiasoft games like Maple Story, Audition and Pangya. I'm very impressed by the way Asiasoft conducts its business. coming up with really good content and interesting gameplay, they encourage kids through a variety of socio-psychological stimulus to purchase A-cash which is bought with REAL money.

The use of this A-cash is mainly to improve ones' standing the in game, whether in ability or appearance. i was thinking no way am i going to pay $15 for a nice shirt in game but i ended up spending more than $30 (so far). it really feels like you ARE your avatar and that u want to have a good image esp in the light of these kids spending in excess of $800 looking so much better than you (and im working!!!).

Also people are sending you gifts and its really bad not to reciprocate. am trying out more stuff now like second life, fly for fun and o2jam. what i really like is the unique gameplay of these newer games instead of the hack and slash all the time.

Am glad that at work, we are having the chance to do more games so we will take this opportunity to really improve ourselves.